What  the fuck is this shit?

What the fuck is this shit?

I see streets of gray, gray buildings too.
I see them grow around me and you.
And I think to myself:

What the fuck is this shit?

I see skies of gray and clouds of gray, (wtf!)
the wet windy day, the cold ass night,
and I think to myself:

What the fuck is this shit?

The colors of the pavement, so ugly on the ground,
are also on the faces of people screwing around.
I see addicts shooting up, saying “Do you want to fight?”
They’re really saying, “I’m high as a kite!”

I hear babies crying, I watch them bitch.
There’ll be more crying when their dad cracks the whip!

And I think to myself:

What the fuck is this shit?

Yes, I think to myself:

What the fuck is this shit????

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What Not To Eat When Depressed and Craving Cinnamon Toast

What Not To Eat When Depressed and Craving Cinnamon Toast

First things first… Do not take out two sticks of butter from the fridge. Never do that. Butter is the gateway to bad times.

Okay. So you took out the butter. Even though I said not too… Okay. We can work with this. Just put that bowl of butter boldness back into the fridge and we will be okay. Just step go to that bowl and … Wait what are you doing with that fork… No stop! Put down that sugar!

Now look what you went and done did. You ruined perfectly good butter with sugar. What do you have to say for your…self… No! No! Put that down now!

I didn’t mean for you to put it into the… You know what? No, this is okay. You wasted butter and sugar and cinnamon but that’s okay. We can fix this. What? You also added vanilla? What is wrong with you? Go and throw this bowl of cinnamom sugar sin away. I’m going to go lie down and this bowl best be gone by the time I come back. God. Now my head hurts like a mother…

Okay, I am back and I thought it over. Maybe I was beong too harsh. I just know you are going through a lot so I wanted to make sure you didn’t … make… bad…

What is this?!?!

I can see that the bowl is gone and why does the house smell like a bakery!

No I don’t want to try one! Argh!

No. No. I’m out! Have your toasted cinnamon sins! I’m out!

How to Heal after being Profiled as a Cart Thief (because stealing carts is a lucrative business…)

How to Heal after being Profiled as a Cart Thief (because stealing carts is a lucrative business…)

Step 1: Sweet creamy protein chocolate goodness! Gives you the proteins needed for strong muscles to fight against systemic racism that has infected the minds of all humanity. Also, Chocolate because Chocolate.

Angry Cooking

Step 2: Get out a recipe book you bought with your hard earn money. Make sure that everyone knows it is yours now and not that one lady that went to jail for lying Because she was a liar and you are not. So enjoy your honest purchase.

Thank you captialism.

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Step 3: Locate your spell and give thanks to the corporate gods that we have so much food in America that we can let it rot away. Really… we do… google that.

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Step 4: Prepare the cauldron! Make sure it is red. Like the blood that flows from the working and service classes of America. One day my brothers and sisters. One day.

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Step 5: Add your ingredients to the cauldron to create the perfect anti-fascist stew. The onions from a local garden, carrots from that neighbor with a truck, celery from that one Mexican single mother who bought too much, and tyme. Because all good things come with thyme.

Angry Cooking 5

Step I forgot-the-number-so-sue-me: Stop taking pictures because all the other prep work takes time. Begin to ponder the many types of labor that are outside our corporate overlords sway yet are still needed in order for our nation to function and then slowly realize that all your labor that is not monetarily compensated is feminized labor…even going into birth is called labor…

And after the realization of the inability of the “free” market to truly provide “freedom” to the public and instead installs a system of classes that are arbitrarily assigned to individuals before they are even conceived …

BEHOLD!

Angry Cooking 6

Serves 6 individuals and fills them with the energy and willpower to fight the good fight.

If You Give Deadpool a Lightsaber

If You Give Deadpool a Lightsaber

If you give Deadpool a lightsaber, he’s going to ask for another lightsaber.

When you give him the second lightsaber, he’ll probably ask you for a red Sith robe.

When he’s finished dressing up, he’ll ask for the largest mirror in your house.

Then he’ll want to pose dramatically in front your largest mirror, as his robe billows behind him, to make sure he looks as badass as possible.

When he looks into the mirror, he might notice an intruder, so he’ll probably ask for his bag o’ goodies.

When he is finished giving the intruder a taste of his goodies, he’ll want a list of new marks to assassinate.

He’ll start killing (while having you drive him around the city). He might get carried away and destroy every piece of property in the tri-state area.

He may even end up killing people who were never on the contract list to begin with!

When he’s done, he’ll probably want to go back to your place and eat some chimichangas.

You’ll have to fix up a large plate of chimichangas for him with a six pack of beer and chips to go with it.

He’ll dig in, and make himself comfortable on your couch, and place his gore stained boots onto your antique mahogany coffee table.

He’ll probably ask you to put on a movie.

So, you’ll get your DVD collection, and pick out some of your favorites (Neverending Story, Princess Mononoke, The Fault in Our Stars, etc) and he’ll ask to see your Monty Python collection.

As he watches  Monty Python and the Holy Grail, he’ll get so excited that he’ll want to make a movie of his own. You’ll remind him that he already did but then he will stick a chimichanga down your throat before asking for a video camera and a black beret.

He’ll film a movie.

When the movie is finished, he’ll want to burn a copy of it onto a disc and sign it with a Sharpie. He will then save it later to auction off on ebay.

Then he’ll want to upload the movie onto Youtube.

Which means he’ll need your computer.

He’ll upload his movie and watch as the view count goes up with each refresh.

Staring at the glowing screen will remind him that he’s badass.

So, he’ll ask for a lightsaber.

And chances are if he asks for one lightsaber, he’s going to want another one to go with it.