And Now for Something We’d All Enjoy

A list! A list of silly, random declarative humor!

The following list is based on the humorous “You might be a redneck if . . .” jokes made popular by the Blue Collar Comedy Tour Group and based on conversations between myself and my gal pals on facebook.

I present you, for your entertainment pleasure, You Might Be A Douche If . . .

You might be a douche if . . .

  1. You wear your sweater around your shoulders everyday for no reason.
  2. You demand sympathy after breaking up with someone on facebook WHILE publicly planning to go on a hot date with another person just hours after the break up.
  3. You are a member of the Tea Party.
  4. You throw away each ipod/iphone the second a newer version is out.
  5. You were cheering on the Phillys while wearing a Giants T-shirt last week.
  6. You think organic is the same as bare-back (don’t ask).
  7. You claim to love your fellow man but won’t give them directions to BART when asked because “you’re running late.”
  8. You work in the mission district and never feel bad about the food you have in your belly while every other person on the street is starving.
  9. If you dump someone because they are overweight.
  10. If you LIKE, truly fan-dom style LIKE, Twilight and think it is the best movie since Dracula.
  11. If you talked about fight club.
  12. If you only wear name brand clothing and don’t know what a Wal-mart is.
  13. If you have eight children, all of whom you put in disposable diapers and all of whom won’t eat anything but McDonald’s, and you claim to be an “environmentalist.”
  14. If you go to a country that you aren’t from, insist on hanging out with only the locals, and then make fun of the “tourists.”
  15. If you refuse to be emotionally open with your significant other but once you break up act like a weepy little B**tch to everyone in order to gather sympathy points.

Note: This list was compiled in order to make fun of and celebrate all of our flaws and is in no way an attack on any particular person and/or group of human beings. Also, no douches were harmed in the making of this list. Thank you.

-Rose

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