A list! A list of silly, random declarative humor!
The following list is based on the humorous “You might be a redneck if . . .” jokes made popular by the Blue Collar Comedy Tour Group and based on conversations between myself and my gal pals on facebook.
I present you, for your entertainment pleasure, You Might Be A Douche If . . .
You might be a douche if . . .
- You wear your sweater around your shoulders everyday for no reason.
- You demand sympathy after breaking up with someone on facebook WHILE publicly planning to go on a hot date with another person just hours after the break up.
- You are a member of the Tea Party.
- You throw away each ipod/iphone the second a newer version is out.
- You were cheering on the Phillys while wearing a Giants T-shirt last week.
- You think organic is the same as bare-back (don’t ask).
- You claim to love your fellow man but won’t give them directions to BART when asked because “you’re running late.”
- You work in the mission district and never feel bad about the food you have in your belly while every other person on the street is starving.
- If you dump someone because they are overweight.
- If you LIKE, truly fan-dom style LIKE, Twilight and think it is the best movie since Dracula.
- If you talked about fight club.
- If you only wear name brand clothing and don’t know what a Wal-mart is.
- If you have eight children, all of whom you put in disposable diapers and all of whom won’t eat anything but McDonald’s, and you claim to be an “environmentalist.”
- If you go to a country that you aren’t from, insist on hanging out with only the locals, and then make fun of the “tourists.”
- If you refuse to be emotionally open with your significant other but once you break up act like a weepy little B**tch to everyone in order to gather sympathy points.
Note: This list was compiled in order to make fun of and celebrate all of our flaws and is in no way an attack on any particular person and/or group of human beings. Also, no douches were harmed in the making of this list. Thank you.